sometimes, i cry long and hard.
about something that shouldn't, but does hurt me.
sometimes, i cry even longer and harder
about something that doestn't ever hurt.
i just sometimes need to cry.
too many times i will fake laugh
about something that's funny to other people.
too many times i will laugh so hard till i cant breath
about something that isn't funny to other people,
but it's funny to me. and im not afraid to laugh,
because if i don'tlaugh,
then i will drown in my tears.
most of the time i will force a smile,
when i really feel like dying.
most of the time, i really do smile,
when im dead.
at times i will lock myself in a room,
to make sure i don't fall apart.
at times i will stay in the middle of the house,
to make sure other people are there to pick up my pieces.
sometimes i walk in the middle of the road,
to live on the edge, to think about what i would do before i died.
other times i walk on the sidewalk,
i walk on the safe side, to make sure i have time to say goodbye.
some days i lose it. and i bang on my piano,
hoping that i will calm down.
i never calm down.
some days, i have it all. and i bang on my piano
hoping that i will release my excitement.
i never release it all.
day by day, i tell myself, im ok. but sometimes... im really not.
week by week, i look it over and forget it.
month by month, i live this way in hopes that one day i will be stable.
year by year i do it again and again. and one day. i will not be able to stop.
and second by second im in training to be better.
minuet by minuet im coasting down the hill of life
hour by hour im climbing the stairs of success.
day by day im finding my inner soul.
The markings of a colorless girl.
Sarah Janelle.
11.10.2011
11.06.2011
The nonexistent paint brush moves across the canvas.
It starts with small seed. A walnut seed.
Day by day. Little change. But there is change.
The sprout grows and is green.
Our lives are compared to a canvas.
It starts out blank and pure.
Soon the canvas has noticeable colors.
Some of which are dark and other are light.
That canvas will change and will take a longtime to finish.
As our little plant grows it will soon realize that it is a tree.
A beautiful tree, full of life and love.
Around this tree, there are many colors.
Some of which are dark and other are light.
The colors explain and document the journey of this tree.
Our canvas is not just painted on by ourselves,
but by others. Friend come and go,
some leave smeared and stained on colors,
others are held on to, are valued and dear.
As if they were jewels.
As the tree makes it way up to the sky,
the journey is a long one.
Through the cold winters or the warm summers
the tree is left with the memories.
These memories leave love marks, or scars.
some of them are wounds and left disfigurement.
Either one is still left, for the tree to live in or forget
As we the trees stand tall in our canvas
we may look down.
But we must keep in mind
that we were once down on the ground
on our journey up.
Our lives will go on, and we may wither.
but remember the scars,
don't forget them.
They will guide you and show you how not to live.
But most of all. Remember the treasured times.
Always remember the love marks. The jewels.
They are the eternal guide for love.
They will lead you up.
High above the clouds.
Look down, but go up.
The markings of a colorless girl.
Sarah Janelle.
Sarah Janelle.
10.31.2011
10.27.2011
10.25.2011
first of all. i like how im posting EVERY day, because i have no life. no biggie.
once again. im copying a cooler person than me. so try to pretend that im as cool as i think and pretend to be.
PS. i have NEVER seen harry potter. ok. that was a lie. i have seen it. the first and second and third. please invite me over to your house so im not SO deprived.
Secrets.
ps. they are not in order.
1. i can't spell really. and it's obvious.
2. i don't know how to be truly happy at school, and normal. i don't really like to fake smile at teachers and people at school and act like im enjoying school life.
3. im a freak. im weird. im immature. and i can't stop myself sometimes. but the worst part is that im getting VERY tired of hiding it and acting "normal". which actually isn't normal at all. it's grumpy.
4. i cry. i cry a lot. more than i need to. i cry over school and stress. i cry over hurt feelings. {Which get broken and shattered too easily. and most of the time there won't be enough glue or tape to fix them.} i cry when i have nothing better to do. which means i cry every week. and maybe once a day.
5. i am not very self smart. i can't really memorize things that aren't important to me. i am really good at memorizing music and things that matter to me. like April 6, is Christ's birthday, and the day He was risen. And i can remember small details from happy moments for me.
7. i love soft lips. and i lather it on. every day.
8.i crack my neck, and fingers. but i love to pop my toes.
10. i can eat cold cereal every day with NO problem.
11. im a bit socially awkward around boys.
12. i haven't "liked" anyone sense the 6th grade.
13. i think school is a joke.
14. i like the feeling of grinding my teeth. I just like the sound that i hear when i do it. and i don't do it very much because it hurts my jaw.
15. im scared to go back to dance. i danced for almost 2 years. i do ballet. and most of the time i don't like to admit it. i think that ballerinas are dependant little girls. and i want to independent. and i am on pointe. but i have only done it for 2 years. some girls have been doing it their whole lives and aren't on pointe. does this mean im good, or am i a fake?
16. i am obsessed with spending money. i can't control it. if i have money, then i HAVE to buy something. whether i need it or want it or don't even like it. i have to buy it. i have a closets full of clothes. i hate most of them. i will wear them once and realize that i don't even like it.
17.i am bipolar i think. sometimes i will be WAY overly stresses about school or dumb things and others times i will be completely chill about my homework and tests. and one moment i will be in completely misery and the next it has passed over.
18. i like being sassy. it gives me power.
19. i don't like to talk to new people. so i wont. so then i become this social-out-cast, which i am.
20. i lie in seminary.
21. i would like to marry music.
22. i like to tease people. i find this weird joy from teasing my sisters and brothers. it makes me feel better and bigger than they are. once again. i feel like i have power.
23. i like to write. im working on many poems and most of them are really deep and i don't even know where it comes from.
24. i am a nerd. i like to watch documentaries and learn about different things. my dad and i watch the history channel together. and it's one thing i will always treasure.
25. i am obsessed with whistling.
26. i like winter attire very much.
27. i don't really like Christmas. it's a nice season. i like the season and the warm fires and the smell of trees and the feeling you get when it's Christmas. but i don't like the getting presents part. it's so dumb. i get all of this stuff i DO NOT need, and i don't even deserve it. i don't like it.
28. i don't mind being alone. i don't mind working alone, walking alone, or eating alone. as long as i don't tell my self that no one likes me or that im not cool enough for them. i do mind being alone if i start to look inside my soul and realize that im bad.
29. i love the color mustard. but i love the mustard taste the most.
30. i love to draw and paint and color and use chalk.
31. im scared to drive. my dad have asked me if i wanted to back out of the garage or if i wanted to get behind the wheel. i said no. i don't even know which pedal is the gas. im just too scared that i will run someone over or i will crash. i don't really plan on ever getting my licence.
33. i like to think that i will marry a prophet someday, or a general authority. or music :]
34. i think. that my life is not real. i feel like im not really me sometimes, and that i pretend to be someone that im not so people will like me and i will feel excepted.
35. i like to tell my self that i don't care what people think of me. and the more i tell myself that, the more i believe it.
Stay loved.
Sarah Janelle.
10.24.2011
ode to the respected.
I admire all of you who have never said,,,,,
i hate my life.
{my oh so famous saying i say more than needed.}
Sarah Janelle.
i hate my life.
{my oh so famous saying i say more than needed.}
Sarah Janelle.
10.23.2011
my life is a monday morning.
some people dont think that im smart.
they know nothing.
i am smart, but an air head at times. and i think that is was makes myself laugh.
today will i was trying to be "lady like" in sacrament meeting, i was passed the sacrament, {something that has occurred my ENTIRE life, for 14 years, and i still struggle.} it is the water that is the hardest. yes. the bread is it's own challenge. you need to choose the biggest piece of bread, and sometimes the biggest bread has crust.. ag! this is such a trial in my life at times. but after concurring the bread part of this burden of choosing it was the water time.
i grabbed the water cup.... gently, lady like, pinkys up, i raised it to my mouth. i managed to get half of the water into my mouth, but of course... i had to embarrass myself. and i bite the cup {without realizing it} and i tried to take the cup out of my mouth but i was biting it! so it spilled ALL over me. typical. wow. much of the water landed on the hymn book on my lap.
to even make things better my little sister {emily} grabbed the book and flipped it the other way and set it back on my lap. yeah ok. now ALL the water was on me. thanks.
ok. this is normal.
Sarah Janelle.
ps. this one was way too long. sorrs.
pps. call me nelle. haha.
ppss. guess who bought a sweet new man sweater and some hot new pink cords. obvi. this girl.
they know nothing.
i am smart, but an air head at times. and i think that is was makes myself laugh.
today will i was trying to be "lady like" in sacrament meeting, i was passed the sacrament, {something that has occurred my ENTIRE life, for 14 years, and i still struggle.} it is the water that is the hardest. yes. the bread is it's own challenge. you need to choose the biggest piece of bread, and sometimes the biggest bread has crust.. ag! this is such a trial in my life at times. but after concurring the bread part of this burden of choosing it was the water time.
i grabbed the water cup.... gently, lady like, pinkys up, i raised it to my mouth. i managed to get half of the water into my mouth, but of course... i had to embarrass myself. and i bite the cup {without realizing it} and i tried to take the cup out of my mouth but i was biting it! so it spilled ALL over me. typical. wow. much of the water landed on the hymn book on my lap.
to even make things better my little sister {emily} grabbed the book and flipped it the other way and set it back on my lap. yeah ok. now ALL the water was on me. thanks.
ok. this is normal.
Sarah Janelle.
ps. this one was way too long. sorrs.
pps. call me nelle. haha.
ppss. guess who bought a sweet new man sweater and some hot new pink cords. obvi. this girl.
10.18.2011
you know those books that are so good that you read them in one day?
i didn't.
you know how the book is just so real your realize how hard you have been crying?
i didn't.
you know those books that are old and used and read with love?
i didn't.
you know those people at read books more than they have a social life or friends?
i do.
you know those books that your okay with reading a hundred times a day?
i do.
last night i stayed up til 1:30. i know. not even impressive. and i was reading. and im not try to sound stupid or blond, but i have never done that before. i have never been SO engaged into a single book. but the weirdest part was that it was a grown up book. Yes. for adults more than teenagers or children.
It was about this older man named morrie.
he was a professor. at a collage.
he had this one student that was close to him.
at graduation they parted, with a promise. to keep in touch.
that never occurred.
Mitch {the student} finally called his old professor and they met. they greeted each other like they were family.
they practically were.
every tuesday mitch would fly a thousand miles to meet with this old professor.
this professor was just about living on his death bed.
he had ALS. a fatal disease that had no cure.
they were tuesday people.
mitch listened to morrie for hours, there were times he cried and laughed and was just too sick to move.
this book is about how a self-ish boy became a self-less man.
morrie cared for everyone and everything. so happy, so kind, so loving.
he said that he was a lucky man. him. a dying 80 year old. he said he was grateful for the slow death because it gave him time to say good bye. he would morn for himself for very few minuets each morning, but the day would go on, happy and kindly. Love or perish. is what he said.
the best part of the book is that it is all true. every word.
at the end i was crying SO hard it looked like i had lost my own friend.
im so consumed into it. i can't stop.
this is how we say goodbye.
Sarah Janelle.
i didn't.
you know how the book is just so real your realize how hard you have been crying?
i didn't.
you know those books that are old and used and read with love?
i didn't.
you know those people at read books more than they have a social life or friends?
i do.
you know those books that your okay with reading a hundred times a day?
i do.
last night i stayed up til 1:30. i know. not even impressive. and i was reading. and im not try to sound stupid or blond, but i have never done that before. i have never been SO engaged into a single book. but the weirdest part was that it was a grown up book. Yes. for adults more than teenagers or children.
It was about this older man named morrie.
he was a professor. at a collage.
he had this one student that was close to him.
at graduation they parted, with a promise. to keep in touch.
that never occurred.
Mitch {the student} finally called his old professor and they met. they greeted each other like they were family.
they practically were.
every tuesday mitch would fly a thousand miles to meet with this old professor.
this professor was just about living on his death bed.
he had ALS. a fatal disease that had no cure.
they were tuesday people.
mitch listened to morrie for hours, there were times he cried and laughed and was just too sick to move.
this book is about how a self-ish boy became a self-less man.
morrie cared for everyone and everything. so happy, so kind, so loving.
he said that he was a lucky man. him. a dying 80 year old. he said he was grateful for the slow death because it gave him time to say good bye. he would morn for himself for very few minuets each morning, but the day would go on, happy and kindly. Love or perish. is what he said.
the best part of the book is that it is all true. every word.
at the end i was crying SO hard it looked like i had lost my own friend.
im so consumed into it. i can't stop.
this is how we say goodbye.
Sarah Janelle.
10.17.2011
well. i have a book report due tomorrow.
it should be PRETTY hard considering that i haven't read a book yet.
i just have a problem.
When every i try to read a book, even a page or a sentence. im lulled to sleep.
that means i read about a chapter every time a pick a book up.
any way.
This week is fall break. This is a good thing. on an account of we are going to st. George and i LOVE fall time.
favorite season ever! i just hope that i will be able to full my life dream. ... raking leaves with my friends, and jumping in a HUGE pile.
ah... even the thought makes me smile.
i think i will go read soon.
Sarah Janelle.
10.15.2011
10.11.2011
10.04.2011
sometimes i just sit at my computer on my blog, and listen to my music.
there are NO words to describe how much i simply adore music..
i try to have a listen to uplifting and down beat music that is really calming... seriously.
i have sat at my computer for HOURs just listening and thinking about.. .nothing. nothing in particular, nothing in particular at all. and it is truly my most favorite thing i do.. music is.....so..... aflkjasd;lkfjas;lkfj.
no words to describe.
why is it so hard to be positive?
Sarah Janelle.
there are NO words to describe how much i simply adore music..
i try to have a listen to uplifting and down beat music that is really calming... seriously.
i have sat at my computer for HOURs just listening and thinking about.. .nothing. nothing in particular, nothing in particular at all. and it is truly my most favorite thing i do.. music is.....so..... aflkjasd;lkfjas;lkfj.
no words to describe.
why is it so hard to be positive?
Sarah Janelle.
10.01.2011
lately i have had no life.
strangely enough, im ok with it.
and all i want to do is paint.
but it's a lot of effort to do so,
so i lie to my self and say no,
just get on your blog, be normal, try to be as cool as you can.
that never really works out for me.
and then when i sometimes give out my blog address i blush of embarrassment.
why do i have this thing?
no one actually cares as to what i have or don't have to say about me.
and my life.
so maybe i should talk about other peoples lives. eh?
Lizzie has a super cute dog named Archie. [im assuming that is the correct spelling]
and i became more attached to that dog over my own.
why?
is life over yet?
Sarah Janelle.
9.28.2011
9.24.2011
For Jane.
my heart broke for you.
it was me. my mistakes.
the unconscious brakes
stopped me from the girl
with the pearls.
We laughed and trusted.
but now..it is has rusted.
my silent cry wails for her.
i want to see but it is all a blur.
the girl who inspired me.
i want us to be three.
i am a terrible friend
i was not trying to offend.
the walk of our relationship,
may have been just round trip.
but please lets makes it last til the end.
my time was not misspent.
dear you,
forgive me, and see through.
i will try my best,
to keep you in my treasure chest.
[i think you know who you are.. please forgive me... i do not deserve your friendship or your time..
but i want and crave it like i crave air. I'm sorry and please know i love you!]
Sarah Janelle.
my heart broke for you.
it was me. my mistakes.
the unconscious brakes
stopped me from the girl
with the pearls.
We laughed and trusted.
but now..it is has rusted.
my silent cry wails for her.
i want to see but it is all a blur.
the girl who inspired me.
i want us to be three.
i am a terrible friend
i was not trying to offend.
the walk of our relationship,
may have been just round trip.
but please lets makes it last til the end.
my time was not misspent.
dear you,
forgive me, and see through.
i will try my best,
to keep you in my treasure chest.
[i think you know who you are.. please forgive me... i do not deserve your friendship or your time..
but i want and crave it like i crave air. I'm sorry and please know i love you!]
Sarah Janelle.
9.19.2011
goodie.
im have once again fallen asleep on the computer table in absolute boredom and irritation with my homework.
here is a little story i found... please enjoy.
I did not provoke the fight, so I feel no remorse for what I was forced to do. We were arguing, and since I was right and he was wrong, he decided to fight to cover his stupidity.
He swung at me first, but because I was in top physical condition, I was able to act quickly and block the punch neatly with my head.
I then jumped to the ground, knocking him down on top of me. I placed my ear in his mouth and poked his finger several times with my eye.
His teeth hurt so much from the strength of my ear that he became irate and tried to kick me, but I cleverly blocked the onslaught with my ribs and face.
I scrambled to my feet and ran to my car in hopes I would get away and save this man from my deadly hands. Before I could start the car he pulled me from the still open door. I then proceeded to swing at him, but only managed to hit myself in the head.
To this I said, “What’s this two against one?” That was the final straw—I lost all control. There will be no mercy!!
Taking him in my death grip, I pounded him in the knee with my stomach—then I hit him two or three times in the fist with my teeth! He had had it! I could tell. After that he didn’t even try to pick me up off the ground. He was too chicken!!
im have once again fallen asleep on the computer table in absolute boredom and irritation with my homework.
here is a little story i found... please enjoy.
I did not provoke the fight, so I feel no remorse for what I was forced to do. We were arguing, and since I was right and he was wrong, he decided to fight to cover his stupidity.
He swung at me first, but because I was in top physical condition, I was able to act quickly and block the punch neatly with my head.
I then jumped to the ground, knocking him down on top of me. I placed my ear in his mouth and poked his finger several times with my eye.
His teeth hurt so much from the strength of my ear that he became irate and tried to kick me, but I cleverly blocked the onslaught with my ribs and face.
I scrambled to my feet and ran to my car in hopes I would get away and save this man from my deadly hands. Before I could start the car he pulled me from the still open door. I then proceeded to swing at him, but only managed to hit myself in the head.
To this I said, “What’s this two against one?” That was the final straw—I lost all control. There will be no mercy!!
Taking him in my death grip, I pounded him in the knee with my stomach—then I hit him two or three times in the fist with my teeth! He had had it! I could tell. After that he didn’t even try to pick me up off the ground. He was too chicken!!
haha.. classy no?
dont cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Sarah Janelle.
9.17.2011
Lost again.
As I quickly glance at the picture,
I know I have to look away,
Before I feel too much pain.
Night after night,
the tears fall,
making a river,
to float down in.
I take my boat,
down my teary river,
and remember our journey.
When we were together,
I would glow
but change comes
my world is murky.
it's too dark to see,
I wonder through my life,
wishing I was free.
I trip and fall,
my soul is shattered
all I can do is cry,
and want for help.
So many days,
I feel lost.
I need a light
to guide me home.
I will forever be lost without you.
Sarah Janelle
As I quickly glance at the picture,
I know I have to look away,
Before I feel too much pain.
Night after night,
the tears fall,
making a river,
to float down in.
I take my boat,
down my teary river,
and remember our journey.
When we were together,
I would glow
but change comes
my world is murky.
it's too dark to see,
I wonder through my life,
wishing I was free.
I trip and fall,
my soul is shattered
all I can do is cry,
and want for help.
So many days,
I feel lost.
I need a light
to guide me home.
I will forever be lost without you.
8.12.2011
Crying silently.
I was left behind,
Forgotten about.
I sat quietly waiting,
Hoping that someone would remember.
I now felt as small as a spec of dust,
Praying no one would blow me away.
I used to control my life,
But now someone else is.
I was never noticed,
When I asked for help.
Instead I was walked by,
Brushed off to the side.
I felt alone,
But my heart told me I wasn’t.
There was no one with me,
No one to comfort me.
My mind said, no one cares about you,
But my heart said otherwise.
I was left behind,
Forgotten about.
I sat quietly,
Hoping that someone would remember,
I cried silently,
My heart was shattered.
I searched for love,
But was always lost.
I stared for hours gazing at the moon,
Jealous of all its companions.
As I felt dead,
I knew I was alive.
There had to be more to life,
But for me there was nothing.
Life wasn’t meant to be painful,
Or heartbreaking.
I t was meant to have laughing,
And love.
I prayed that night,
Praying to God.
I wasn’t going to give up,
Not this time.
I cried mutely,
For my lost life.
lost again.
Sarah Janelle.
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