the daily haze of this life has treated me well. at times, i enjoy and crave this.. film, or fog if you will, more than anything, and when it hits me, i loiter around in it, until it smothers me. and i enjoy this. thoroughly. its hard not to get sucked into this haze, and it's even harder to get out. sometimes it gets lonely, also. fog isn't the best oxygen intake, and the color is not the most appealing. i do wonder though, how could one human -onesoul- be so hazy everyday, and barely feel alive? how could i enjoy this feeling? while barely feeling anything at all? is this even possible? i found it is possible; very possible. one can only experience this haze after the deepest and most inadequate of all possible betrayal. the betrayal of one human's own soul. pure betrayal itself. betrayal in its worst form. and i think it occurs more than mere mortal humans would appear, and/or think. it happens.. i know for a strict fact that it is possible, because i am living in this hazy betrayal. and it feels good. it feels empty, haze feels happy, and damp. and it makes me slur my speech, it makes me limp. it makes me not brush my hair, or teeth, or iron my clothes, and it makes me feel happy that i can wear white socks and white shoes. but do i have a soul? i felt quite like a liar for claiming i had a soul earlier in this post. ^ my bad everyone. my bad. how good is my daily haze? how good is it to sleep in haze? i think i can get cancer this way.
i said goodbye to my soul, and i drove it to the air port and watched the plane take off, and i waved and called after it, "you suck." i drove back to my house, with no seat belt, because i have no soul. why wear my seat belt when i have no soul-i believe this was a sensible choice. my soul has been gone ever since it heard me yelling, i had received an enraged email addressed to me, from my soul. it stated. no, sarah. you suck. i accepted this true fact, i nodded. fair enough soul. we don't need each other,, so naturally after my brake-up with my soul, i called up my good friend haze. i said, "hey haze. will you fill my body, so i can walk and move? please, i really need you at this point." we get along quite well. our relationship is based off of our emptiness. but haze fills me up. and keeps me feeling limp. i like him for this. we have this door mat that reads, get out. and above the mat we have a sign that says, we don't exist. i like the sign the most. the tile in our kitchen is very cold, my feet and hand are blue, so are my lips. but sometimes haze makes a fire, but only he gets to sit by it. that's ok though. i am ok with being cold. i don't have a bed either. haze gets the only bed. i like to sleep on the ground though. i am fine with these adjustments. its all fine haze. we're fine. you're fine. im fine. fine.
one day i will write my soul a letter, it will probably say, "come back? i kind of like you more than haze. so call me."
but until i escape my house, with haze, i will just have to stay here. and here is kind of cozy.
if you don't have a soul. give me a call.
801-nosoulforever.
this is our future.
sarah janelle.
