its summer right right now. and when people, especially freaky teenagers, think of summer, they create this summer romance story that people would usually base a movie off of. well. it's never going to happen. so put those dreams back to sleep. i barley even like summer. all my "friends" are gone. everyone has a life, and so the kids like me, who so happen to have no life. are just left to stay home and become best friends with their moms. i'm not saying that it's a bad thing. but you know, it's your mom. i feel like i am at some disadvantage. poor me. everyone has exciting things to look forward to. mostly i just look forward to when it's late at night, and i can sleep. or cry. or read. or just pretend to sleep. i look forward to to the night time.
someone always asks me, "hows life." {this person shall not be called by their correct name. let's just call them, "you."} i
never know how to respond to that question because quite frankly. i
don't know. i hardly even know what the word life means. sure, i
understand that people grow old during life, and that you get broken
bones during life. yes, i know that. but what really is life? is it a
chance to prove yourself to the world, to an other human? is it
something were you go on a quest to fine "love." the thing i know
most about life is that it is short. even the word {life} itself only
has four letters. that proves how short life is. {even the word short is
longer than the word life.} and all i have planed for my short life is
that i will graduate high school. and i will go on a mission. everything
else, is a blur. a blur full of scary opportunities. opportunities that
i don't deserve, and don't want to work for. its like when you're in
the car, and you're looking out the window, everything seems to blend
together, and you hardly realize what your missing and passing. but the
destination is clear. you know where you're going, you know what it
looks like. but your journey is blurry until you have already passed it.
that's the worst part about life. figuring it all out. some people say
that it's the best part, the adventure, and possibilities. but really. i
just find myself getting anxiety about it in the night. i want my life
to be like a map. telling me exactly where and what to do. it would say,
four yards left after graduating high school. follow the yellow brick
road until you fall upon an apartment. 26 steps past falling in love.
arrive in the mission field. fly 78 miles west to dying of cancer. bam.
there you have it folks. your life. that's what i want. and
probably that's what i need. i need a map. full of directions and
compasses. i really need it bad. so i'm living my life. my little
highland city life. full of boring summer days, where the wind is too
windy. and where i keep losing my permit. where i pretend to sleep. but
im not fooling anyone, not even myself. im living it. becoming best
friends with the woman who raised me. and i can't tell if i'm living a
good or bad life. i sell myself short. and i expect little of myself.
because, i don't want to have dreams that will never be fulfilled. i'm
never going to become an astronaut. i won't and can't shoot for the
stars. because, what if i point my gun up there, and i shoot. and i kill
a star. and it falls down. dead. what if i slip off the moon. and fall
down. dead. so "you". i don't know. i don't know how "life is." i
think i will never know. i couldn't even give it a one word
description. and if i tried. it would be inaccurate. so please. once im
through living my map-less life. then you can ask me everyday, "how's
life?" "how was life." and i will answer. and honestly too. i would
say, "you". life was hard. and i made too many mistakes and i
kept losing my map. {but in reality, i never had a map.} but i did it.
and here is my one word description. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ."
so bare with me here. ask me questions i can answer like, who's your favorite baseball team? or do you like the fall?
and then, i will say, "what's your favorite baseball team? the red socks?
ok. i like the red socks.
and yes. "you". i do like the fall."
sarah janelle.
