When my mama prays, she prays her best prayer. I'm on my knees, and they hurt real bad, because my mama's best prayers are always long. Sometimes she scrunches her face when she feels stuff from her heart. I look over to my dad, he nods when my mama says something real nice; or when she prays that this nation will be alright. My dad has brown hair; but now it's turning a little gray at the edges. His eyes are wrinkly and he always breathes heavy when we pray. He always looks so old when my mama prays. Maybe it's because he loves her so much; that the rest of his love, is gone. Or maybe he misses his brother. His twin brother. His dead brother. I guess he thinks about his brother when my mama prays. That probably makes his face look real tired; but I know his heart never stops lovin'. Sometimes my daddy peeks back at me; and then he snaps his fingers or smashed his eyes very tight; his way of telling me to close my eyes. I look down instead; I just look down with my eyes, not my head, because then it looks like I'm closing my eyes, when I'm not.
I keep my eyes open when my mama prays. I stare straight ahead and look out the windows. I blink and breathe and sigh; for the other humans who feel sad, like me. But I figured, God would understand.
My mama tells me that God knows everything about me. He knows about how I think, even about my longings. About me and everything.
One time after she told me how God knows me personally, just like she always does, I said back to her, "Yes mama, you like to tell me that. But the thing is, I don't know Him."
I think that broke her heart, because then she went to her room; and shut the door.
She was there for a long, long time.
But shouldn't God know that I get nervous to close my eyes and sit still for a long time. Shouldn't He know that I'm scared to not see anything, and only hear my mama's voice echo in my head.
"Please bless us, God, bless us that we will all be well and bless our hearts that we will be humble and not prideful. Bless our neighbors and our community; please especially bless this nation, that it will prosper and that we will be guided by wisdom."
My daddy nods.
I look straight.
Yes, God should know me,
and everything,
so sometimes I whisper, in my best whisper, to myself, "God if you know me,,just let it be ok that I keep my eyes open,, and make my daddy not look so tired anymore." Then I say, "Sorry God, sorry for being a bad human soul."
All while my mama keeps praying and my daddy keep nodding.
and I keep breathing and sighing.
-sarah.
