my name is sarah thueson and this is how i see the world and this is how i think. i am fifteen years old, and i go to high school. which is hard. mostly because i forgot how to make friends. and because i feel my skin has somehow become itchy. like a full body sweater, that is itchy. i like having pencils with a flat eraser though; i guess i like that about school. it's september now. fall. almost winter. almost time to wear scarves. fall makes me happy. it makes me happy to wake up, mostly because i sleep with my window open, so when i wake up, its freezing and smells like morning time. and i wear a blanket around my shoulders. i just really like fall. plus, i think fall would be the best season to write a book in. i thought about becoming friends with some of my teachers, maybe with my art teacher; mrs. shepard or shep. is what i call her. but then i remembered i don't know how to make friends. mostly i just feel shy, and depressed. and timid. mostly i think i may be insecure. i hate that thought. so i try and not think it. which is not going so well. i think, i think too much. maybe its just time to stop thinking, and stand back, and watch. watch the time pass, the day end. the world make history. it's time to watch. but just watching scares me. because i don't know how to do that and i don't like to try new things. so. that's that. a kid friend (i like to say that. because it's true. we're kids, and we're friends.) a kid friend of mine, Bryce, committed suicide two weeks before school started. i guess he was scared to start school. maybe that's why. i wish i knew. i wish i knew everything. but i think it might be bad to wish so much. i will try to stop wishing. and thinking. but i just really like to think about Bryce. but then i get very sad. but i still think about him. he deserves to be thought about. he really does. but when i was thinking about Bryce on friday i got really sad. the saddest i've been for a very long time. sometimes i like to be sad. like right today. some kids were laughing in class. not me. i wasn't laughing. today i wanted to be sad. so on friday when i was thinking about Bryce, and when i got very sad; i went to "bed." at 5 pm. i just stayed there, cried till 11 pm. not like a hurt cry. but a panicky cry. one that has no end. that's why i cried for so long. i wanted to make myself some tea, but i was too scared to go upstairs and get it, because then my mom might ask me to talk about "things." and i don't like to to talk about "things." also, today at school. i wanted to tell this boy to go to hell. i almost did. but i decided not to. i can't remember why i decided not to. but that was that.
ps. i sleep with my lights on. and when i wake up it's around three in the morning and then, i get up. and turn them off. i don't know why i do this. i just do.
i don't know why im telling you this.
pps. i think tomorrow i will wear my red hat to school. i hope that the popular girls will hate me because i wear hats to school. and because only boys do that. i would like that for some reason.
^mythoughtprocessinwhichilivein.
andilikeit.
