how unfairly inconsiderate i have been. this isn't me. what am i doing here and how did i end up like this? what the. what the sarah. everything seems so dark and gloomy, and i tend to dwell on the fact that i don't receive the daily newspaper. you know what i'm saying here?
no? 

its been rough. and i have been rough. and my heart has dried up a little bit, maybe. and maybe even my lungs took over, maybe i just breathe, maybe hearts aren't real. and the ink in my skin will disappear? and so will the actual skin. maybe i will start to wear make-up again, and do my hair. you know? maybe i will clean the dirt out from under my nails, and wash the mud off of my feet. maybe i will stop gritting my teeth when i think. understand? 
no?

i have been in denial. to everything. i have denied my heart, my soul,  my little self. i have denied the fact that i need to open up, that i need to stop changing so much. that my old friends, still are actually my friends. i have denied myself of comfort and concern. i have denied friends and their worries for me. i have denied meeting new strangers, and animals. what have i not denied? ... the devil. probably. 

i don't really know where im walking, i can tell that i'm moving though. i really am. but which direction? left of up? straight or wide? sometimes i just think i am alice. from wonderland. and i wonder. around this land. and it gets me no where. and i meet new people, and souls. but i tend to think i know more than the state of Indiana. which i probably don't. and i can tell it's time to find my way, to the queen of hearts. and take back my heart. claim it again, perhaps even defeat my uncontrolled mind. and wake up. you know? 
no?

basically. (to state it in words of a 3 year old fox.) 
i need to do the dreadful. i need to grow up. and get over myself, and my silly little critical mind. and plant some trees. i need to stop telling myself off. i need to stop flipping myself off. i need to just stop. and enjoy my silly little life. because if i don't enjoy my life, then am i even living? 
no?

i am ready. and i am dry. 
and i promise. 
i will try.
and it's time.


i am aware of myself.
sarah janelle.

you know, i already know.

In the Desert

By Stephen Crane

In the desert

I saw a creature, naked, bestial,

Who, squatting upon the ground,

Held his heart in his hands,

And ate of it.

I said, “Is it good, friend?”

“It is bitter—bitter,” he answered;

“But I like it

“Because it is bitter,

“And because it is my heart.”

i am a terrible human. and i know it. no worries everyone, i know. there's no need to tell me, because i know, unless you just want to remind me and because i probably deserve it, then yes, you can tell me. and i promise i won't even scream at you. ok everyone? i know it. i think babies are.. grotesque. and i don't really like them. i will always be the one to point out your faults. and i will probably be a hypocrite and laugh at you. i will probably maybe even flip you off underneath my desk because you keep raising your hand and answering all the math questions and then you will mumble under your breath, "that's so easy." yes, i will probably flip you off for that. or just because your dumb. i will also doubt you. because how am i supposed to trust you when you telling me how to live my life. you know? i will also most likely say very inappropriate things to you, when you can't actually hear me. i will probably say something along the lines of, "you suck balls." and that's naughty to say. but i will still say it to you. i will fake be your friend. and laugh at your same stupid stories you tell, even though inside i just want to take apart a brick house and throw the bricks at you, and then i will be mad because you will probably sue me in order to pay for your plastic surgery that you now need. i will probably flirt with your best friend, just so i can get you to feel some type of emotion towards me. (i am the worst.) sometimes i may fantasize about grating your face off. with a cheese grater. Probably i will laugh at your name, because it's sounds stupid. and i don't like it. i know i will roll my grey eyes at you. and try not to loose all my self control. probably i will pretend that my phone is dead, even though i just took out the battery, or i just didn't answer it, just so i can prove to you that i don't actually need or even like you. i'm going to say no a lot to you. that's my favorite word. im going to sluff class, just so i don't have to smile at you. because i fully believe you don't deserve seeing me smile at you. because once again, i barely even like you. but can't you cut me some slack? i mean, if you were me, wouldn't you hate it too? 

are these things i do to you, or just things i wish i could do to myself?