* mmmk, well this will be the third time I've posted this; and then deleted it.
but turns out I don't care anymore.
because these are my real feelings. and I just don't have anything else to entertain you with.
you know, when I write, nothing really comes out. nothing escapes my head.
you know: it's hard for me to constantly be thinking. Thinking about you, & how to make things sound beautiful. and you know, sometimes they really do sound beautiful; but only in my head. Then I think, great; I can be beautiful.. let me just store this beauty for when I actually need it.
when I never need it; it's always there.
when I need it; it's always escaped.
the hard thing is; beauty isn't common. It's not the common way to write, or sing; or love.
it's not the common fall weather we all experience.
beauty comes from difference.
cold difference.
I'm different.
but not beautiful.
& if you think I just talking about physical beauty: kid, grow up.
it will always, I will always, go deeper than that.
ahh, yes. now you may want to go re-read everything I've ever said. Everything I've ever meant.
this is about how I fight with everyone I love.
& if I haven't fought with you; I promise: I don't love you.
this is about my image; some image everyone loves to label me with.
this is about how I'm only 15.
& my mom says I'm dealing with "grown-up" casualties. kids; I'm not a simple human being.
I am complex; and different.
but not beautiful.
& & now you have some image of me; that I think I'm better because "I'm different" and that I secretly think I'm better because difference is interesting: kid, grow up.
you know something.
it's just not really fair. how I've been.
how I've been.
with you.
but something has changed. something so little; so fragile; I'm afraid to even address it.
I just want to let it stay awhile; let it rot awhile.
and before it dies; which it always dies.
this time; I will pat it on the head, and declare life.
I will close my eyes and accept mercy.
& it and i will trust each other once more.
soul; have you returned?
refer to: http://highdreamsforus.blogspot.com/2012/05/fine.html
for further information.
you know, with my broken heart; and you're strong figure.
we make a good team.
if you think I'm addressing you; it's probably not you.
because it goes deeper than that.
