You remember how one time I said I was different, and yet, not beautiful? I'm not here to confront you about me being wrong or misjudging my abilities; and beauty. But the thing is; you are just as beautiful as I am different; and I want you to know that. This is different; this time. And I'm not going to let myself feel like I'm am less than what I am. Because you know something world; I have value.
Value me.
Value my stubborn mind and sense of self awareness. Value my loss of words; especially when I'm talking to you and you're telling me I'm what you need. Value the time when I look down in embarrassment and my glasses slide down my face. Value how I sigh and write poetry and live with anxiety.
Tell me you need me; just one more time.
Just for my satisfaction.
I'm here and I'm alive; and doing the manageable, so the rest of you kids can stand aside while I make music come out my ears and sing songs with my hands. Stand aside and don't tell me I can't be beautiful.
Tell me I'm good at poetry and good at being rough.
Smile at me when I tell you I'm in love with your voice; while calling you late at night. Smile when I make you drive me home and you hold my hand; while you teach me how to drive your car.
I smile when I tell you we're just friends and you say, "sure" because you know that's what I need; but not what you want. I only tell you that over the phone; so you won't see my face, when I have to lie to you. When I lie and tell you I only want you as a friend. You're just too beautiful to play around with; too beautiful for me to fiddle with. I'm not here to play hide and seek with you. I'm here to play hide and seek with myself. I'm here to find myself before I can find you. I told you, I need to learn to stand and even walk, on my feet and hands before I learn to walk on your feet. I need time to not care about anyone; expect for me.
But somehow I find myself caring for you more than myself. Some how I can't remember a time when I've felt so whole. I've never felt complete. This is different and seemingly unfair. Unfair: because I'm too scared to do anything that I'm not familiar with.
That's why I didn't invite you into my house.
That's why I blush so much in front of you.
That's why I feel so fragile and wonderful with you.
Unfair: because I already know the end result.
I already know how I seem to never forget myself.
But, I love the idea of you.
I love your image you place in my head. The one that finally makes me feel needed.
Oh, you are such a glorious image. But that's all I love; and care for. The image in my head; and possibly how I finally am different, to you, and not just myself. And I am beautiful. And beauty is a deceitful temptation. You are a deceitful temptation.
You are what I've always wanted to be.
and maybe I just love you for that reason; only.
You are raw and beautiful.
We throw each other around in these "playful" jokes and quiet luck. We are playful. We are wonderful.
But I'm here to confront you, about me being right.
I'm always right.
I still just really want you to know that.
-one day I'll probably just come out and say what I'm actually trying to say.
I am a mess.
-s
