I suppose I should write something about the new year and all; some type of resolution. But I don't have any; not this year. No, not for me and my circumstances. I sometimes just think that I'm exalt to normal human behavior because I don't think or feel all that normal. Saying I was disappointed that the world didn't end would be be saying the least. I honestly thought my life was over; over last month. & I swore to myself, to calm my nerves, that I was ready to meet my maker. That He would accept me with open arms, accept me in my form. So that's why I don't have any resolutions; and also because I'm nervous for this year. I just really don't want to keep living.
Not like this; at least.
After what happened to Bryce.... sometimes I wish he didn't do that, because it's given me so many ideas. & plus, I feel like if I "be better" this year then I'm not going to be able to write any more, like the kind of writing I'm doing right now. Not like right, right now; but "right now" in general. (and most things I write, and enjoy, I don't share with you. I just can't imagine you would understand.) It has felt so good to be able to create those things & feel like they are raw and beautiful; the way I wish I was. It almost feels okay to let myself feel so... so inhumane.
I get too anxious, and panicked when I think about changing. It's just too hard and scary and I don't know what's ahead of me. I can't even see what's above me or behind me. Because I also get anxiety from thinking about my past. So I just get stuck in my present state. Never moving, never progressing, never going backwards. Nothing. I am experiencing nothing.
Everyday of my life.
And if I change, my emotion goes away. My sadness and hurt and pain. It all goes away, with my medication. But that's not okay; for me. It's not okay because I find my hurt and sorrow and write honest things. I write exactly how I feel and how I experience nothing. And it helps me sort through myself and .. my nothingness. I need something I can depend on, something that will always be there for me. And humanity have proved wrong in that need; so I depend on my sadness and helplessness. Because they are my friends and they are always there.
specifically for me.
If my world ended there's few things I would miss. Very few. And I find that the saddest part. It's sad because I have nothing to hold dear in my heart; right now. Nothing. I don't look forward to anything and only remember regrets; and times when I was who I wanted to be.
No; I don't like who I am. Not this year, not the last.
I have no one to turn to; no human who understands me, completely. Except for God, and I've put him on hold lately. I just don't understand why He gave me so many hard things in one year. So many things that so many people don't know about. Even people who know me the best; I've kept a handful of significant things to myself. And it's scary for me to think no one really knows me; and even scarier to know I'm never going to let anyone really know me. It would be too difficult. And if I died, no one would say correct things at my funeral. I guess you could say "I'm angry with God." But that's not it; I don't feel angry. I just feel hurt and sad and even betrayed, in a small way. So. I continue with my nothingness in complete and utter lonesomeness.
great.
I'm just losing so many friends.
Things I experienced this year:
can't tell.
can't tell.
anxiety disorder.
depression.
destruction.
unexpected death.
exploration into art & writing.
times when I forgot I'm sad.
disappointment and wounds.
acceptance; from small places.
finding peace with being alone.
Things I will miss (if the world ended.)
writing.
english class.
reading.
christmas oranges.
goals I set in my head but dismiss away:
learn to cope.
learn to express hardship.
advice others and help them through similar trials.
make friends; feel accepted into society.
find love for myself.
*as a side note. I've truly come to realize how hard it is to depend on your opinion of yourself, and yourself only. I've done this for years; because people honestly don't matter to me. They are faulty creatures who, like myself, are selfish and greedy and hurt other humans. And I decided to only care about what I think of myself; which is a hard thing to do. Because I know myself better than anyone knows me; obviously. I'm sure you all are in the same situation. But that creates contradiction because I know my true thought and actions and desires. I know what I want and when I lie and who I care for. I know it all. And I know I'm not a good person. So then it's hard to find confidence when you know who you are.
that's hard.
books I've started and never finished:
I'd rather not discuss this.
I don't know, resolutions are maybe over rated; maybe. But I feel too much of a pressure to throw them out in the world with determination and hope, even. But that's not me; that's not me right now at least. I'm too weak to do that and too weird. But I think the closest thing that's come to a "resolution" is to learn to think.
Let me explain.
The way I think is vital. It affects my actions and anxiety and deeds. It affects who I interact with and how to respond politely in situations where I want cry. If I learn to think; and take control of my thoughts, I will see things in a different way. And different is different enough from change that it's not change.
make sense?
difference is just different; temporary almost. Just not the regular routine or common thing.
change is permanent. Change is scary and hard and forced, almost. Change creates anxiety, but difference is manageable in my head. So if I learn to think differently, more positively then I won't get so anxious and nervous all the time.
So, sarah's resolutions:
think.
Happy New Year; I guess.
& I would like to apologize because I'm sure I've said this all before. As well as, I would like to apologize for being so.. hard; and sad. I'm trying to.. change and I'm trying. But only in the most menial way because that's how I force myself to cope. This year, I promise you won't even be able to tell when I'm sad; at least on this silly little blog that is for the benefit of myself.
and also in real life, no being sad in real life anymore. Only in my room where I'm alone.
Well kiddies.
Thanks for your time.
Always, apologetic:
-Sarah.
In my journal, on the front page I wrote:
To destroy you is no loss.
sincerely yours, for now,
sarah.
it helps me keep perspective.
-it's pretty weird how many Marilyn Monroe pictures I have.
