Time to Ellipse; Children

It's just really hard for me to have you read what I write. You know that?
It's hard because you limit what I can say. There's so many things I think about; so many things that are the raw truth, so many things that are repeated and removed and I just want to say them.
But most of them are scary, and bad. But it's how I feel; and to have you read them, and have you thinking about me makes me nervous.
You probably think I'm some 
overly-dramatic-attention-seeker-girl. Well, maybe that's not a bad thing, and maybe I am. But I just want you to know, that what I'm sharing isn't seeking attention. It's me, and it's how I feel and think. And you know, every single one of these.. writings.. I call them, I was crying when I wrote them. Keep in mind, that most of the things I say when I cry are my true feelings and what I actually want.
And I never re-read the things I write, when I cry.
It hurts me too much.




12.12.12
You could build concrete homes under my back; the arch I've formed is so deep.
But, would you build me something if I wanted you to?
even from concrete.

You know; I think about you. More than any girl should think about a boy. But; its because I miss how everything used to be. I miss you. I miss you so hard I cry for you; and for your dear character. But I'm just a silly 15 year old girl.
I've never come so close to love; and now you've disappeared and I can't breathe.
and I walk to where we meet, 
where your death was confirmed.
I'll meet you there.
But till then, cry for me?
Pray for me?
I would like to Marry Christmas.



12. 16. 12
I'm mad at you more than I'm not.
and that's not ok anymore.

and it's Christmas-time-around-this-part and I think about dying.
and how I'm just here. and when I'm gone.
that will be just that.
and Christmas would continue.
and the end of the world will still end.
and I'll still have not attended a new year's party.
because like all other holiday's I have something bitter bundled in my heart, held against that holiday.
bitterness for new years: it's a new year. And I have to continue living.

but it's not what you think. Majority of the time I don't actually hate life.
I just hate where I am in my life; especially because there's only so much a single human can take of her daily dose of disappointment.


12.17.12
You know what. You're pretty dumb.
and I pretty much hate you.
as well as New Year's.
I hate that too.



12.19.12
And for the first time it sounds like hallelujah.
for the first time.
and I'll miss you someday.
I'm not walking away.
I'm just hearing what you say.
for the first time it sounds like hallelujah.
for the time I'm singing hallelujah,
for the first time.


12.21.12
I wanted to call you; and ask you if it's been hard for you too.
has it though? Has is been hard?
i need to know I'm not the only one who is struggling,
and you're the only one I can image who feels what I feel too.
It's so out of control, lately, especially lately.
my family's crying while I'm screaming at them.
crying child, crying child.
screaming Broken heart.
I can image how it looks, from their view. Their sister screaming at high frequencies, screaming.
Not screaming words, but screaming sounds.
when someone is so... beyond words..
That's exactly what happens.
no words come out when they scream; and that's possibly the scariest thing about it.
my little brother, who's 3.
screamed louder than I, told me to stop.
he can barely talk. but he told me to stop.
so I did.

she falls to the ground and cries.out of complete bitterness.
she hates herself.
the child looking up, watching Broken heart, hurt.


12._ _ .12
 there's a low roar resting in my head tonight. -hush child. you'll wake the neighbors.


she looked up; cried.
and then fell.
-s