sounds like a tuesday.

on a mere rainy tuesday

i was in class, reading my book, oh so intently. the release bell rang and i stood. 

you did as well. you are a faster walker than me, only because i am walking and reading at the same time. 

you quietly grab the door for me.  i look in your eyes and mumble a thank you.

you stand there and hold the door open for everyone. you wait until the lights go off in the room, until the last snail leaves the room, until the room is shuffled empty. everyday you do this. 

excuse me, may i ask you something? why do you do it? but yesterday. i answered myself. it's because you are a tuesday person. and a tuesday person you will stay. 

on a wednesday

i went to the library to read during lunch. yes. i do this.

i was in the library, reading my book, oh so intently. flipping the pages and trying to unnoticeably plug my ears. on this afternoon the library was quite loud. covering my face and ears with my hair, i glance up, i see you. 

what? you too read in the library? dude, same. 

i then thought, you tuesday person you. 

and a tuesday person you will stay. 

may i ask you something? 

sense you're a tuesday person, do you hang origami from your ceiling? it seems like tuesday people would do this.

do you longborad, or play guitar? 

-will you teach me? 

do you love loneliness?

bare feet. how do you feel about this? 

-you ware bracelets? , you're cool.

can you double dutch?

do you like girls with wild hair? 

-yes?               good. 

can you write poetry? 

do you hike?

what about walk? do you walk everywhere?

what? you love the winter? 

do you drink coffee? 

do you love the night time? 

-i bet you've tried to count the stars.

are you going to live in indiana when you grow up? 

-will you ever grow up?

-you are one of the lost boys?   i like the lost boys. 

can i ask you more questions? 

can we talk in real life one time? 

- thank you.

last one. 

can you teach me to be a tuesday person? 

-we are tuesday people, you say? 

we tuesday people. 

i like the sound of this. 

there's bigger things. 

Sarah Janelle.

summer skins

 

every year we will unload our coats, our beanies, and mittens. Our unclean and warn boots. Yes, we unload our scarfs, even our leg warmers. Some of us, will even go as far as unload our spirits. the saddened and damp spirits. 

the icy and frozen eyelashes grow long and dark. 

our pasty dull faces are replaced with brown, freckled, covered features. Our socks come off and our feet become dirt stained. and bare. 

our hole filled mittens are thrown away, and substituted with cheap nail polish. There go our scarfs and beanies. And the buns and reddened necks are free. 

the quiet stripping of our wintered hopes are left behind, and readied to redeem our summer skins. 

yes, this happens every year. 

every year? yes. every year.  

our summer skins introduces us to a new was of living.. the true way of living.

you ask, "the best way of living."

and i nod.. "yes. the best way of living. indeed."

it shows us how to have thoughtlessness phone calls. it even shows us how to have green eyes, and careless poems. the summer skins shows us how to be untamed, how to behave and how to imagine. it shows us which shoes will get too many holes to ware, and if you are lucky, it shows us how to love loneliness. 

yes. loneliness is lucky.
it shows us how to miss our beds, and our new head phones.

it shows us how to hike, and long board, perhaps even how to rain dance. .. even how to be an indian. 

our summer skins shows us how to have blond hair, and glasses. and how to never brush our hair. summer skins whispers the silent music to our hearts, to our sun-drenched hearts. it shows to us how to have-a-silent-eye-role. it shows us how to have an i-don't-care-about-what-you-think-or-think-of-me kind of attitude. {is not caring good,,                                         or bad?}

it shows us how to love the gaps between our teeth, and how to have our own conversations, and how to live with the smell of coffee. 

and through our summer skins, 

we are introduced to a new way of living..

you ask, "the best way of living?"

and i nod, "yes. the best way of living. indeed."

the master plan

welcome to summer every one. 

welcome very much. 

Sarah Janelle.

the days filled with death.

the mornings were a symbol of heart aches. the new days felt worse than the yesterdays. the fake smiles and broken eyes, the bitter thoughts. the untied shoes laces, the echoes of alarm clocks ringing in your ears as you try to smile. the chipped nail polish, the unhealed broken bones, the sour rain only washing your life-less feet down the street. the conversations left silent, waiting for the words to speak themselves. the needy phone calls, the lonely life filled with mistakes. the unfair times, the consistent tugs of your shirt reminding you of the expectations to be made. the times you would drag your feet, and not brush your hair. the feelings of broken glass asking you if you finished your homework. the sad songs written, the salty tear stains. the dark rooms. the empty bottles of heart glue. the sunless days. the cuts and splinters friends left, for you to heal yourself. the bleeding lips. the cruel and forgotten words. the  never returned letters. the for sale signs. the bitterness of 5 year foolishness. 




the all. 










lets fill this silence with cries. 






the markings of a colorless girl.

old couch patterens.

the window opens

as the wind rushes to you;

climbing up your spine

bringing memories home.

the black roses rest

lying, dying,

trying to breathe in your

soul.

as you bite your stiff-dead-fingers

you can still hear the soft melody 

of life

singing in your throat.

you drag yourself down sorrow road

only finding a dead end;

full of lonely springs

and frozen summers.

your broken eye lashes fall from

heaven

landing in a mess

leaving a disaster;

flying to hell.

wishing the questions would 

flee, they bombarded america 

while every living soul is left
motionless. 

as the old couch patterns fade
as the air screams for mercy,
as the guilt clutches your leg.


we curse the moon
chasing the birds
wasting the seconds 
we all cry.


the last breath is spoken 
letting the words soar from their
life 
they breathe;
if i were prettier..
would you have loved me? 

the markings of a colorless girl. 

this is for you kate and tess.

you made me.

Loneliness is death to our souls.

As we cry our broken hearts don't break. 

They are too broken to continue to break. Too shattered, too hurt, too many pieces.

As our tears fall like rain the world sees a flood. 

The sound of our cries become our only comfort. 

The sound of our tears become so familiar.

They numb our bodies. 

Yet we still feel the pain.

They all say, love is medicine. 

As i realize that i love.

it hurts.

it brings fear.

fears of being broken again.

being hurt again. 

I cover my eyes.

My gray eyes,

they see blue.

the coldest blue there is. 

they feel the chill.

the only warmth are my tears.

colder colder i go.

and my love is stolen. 

the markings of a colorless girl.

Sarah Janelle.

soul: noun

a human being; person.

The inner thoughts of one's soul are malicious. 









 

time after time my inner thoughts will  gash at my soul. I then glance around the room, counting the living hearts who heard the damage. the birth of all secrets, lies, wishes, hopes, depressions and sorrows lie in your soul. 

  

each time your heart wishes,while your eyes scream fears at the world, only your soul knows. Every year you open your heart, trying to find the death of your soul, the only thing that was left for you to chew on are tears. the ones who scavenger through their chest, and succeed are the ones who die first. the mess of the soul is bloody, dark, tear stained, and shattered. but who can fix a shattered mess? who can glues thousands of disappointments? who can sew plastic? 

the mind of a soul is vengeful. The soul it's self is a deep lingering cruel creature. one by one, fools try to mend the soul, each fool tries to pilot the soul. each one is left to bleed. The mouth of the soul takes the hurt in, swallows it hole, as well and throws it back up, leaving you to choke. the wise men sleep in the shallowness of the heart. the fools venture too deep, finding themselves dead.

as your inner thoughts travel to your heart, stop them, before they dig too deep and stare upon your naked soul. 

The markings of a colorless girl. 

Sarah Janelle. 

it feels wonderful to write again.

 

 

if i just lay here

will you lie with me and just forget the world.

let's waste time chasing cars.

around our heads.





having writers block it terrible.

Sarah Janelle.

 i have writers block.































i don't mind change as long as everything stays the same.






Sarah Janelle.

she is the kind of girl who is married to life.

she is the kind of girl who loves the world and everyone.

she is the kind of girl who sacrifices for others.

she is the kind of girl who never messes up.

she is the kind of girl who works till she makes it.

she is the kind of girl who has confidence.

she is the kind of girl that believes that words mean nothing.

she is the kind of girl who is beautiful in the inside out.

she is the kind of girl who doesn't have wrinkly clothes.

she is the kind of girl who naturally has a clean room.

she is the kind of girl who has a clean vocabulary.

she is the kind of girl who wears pink nail polish.

she is the girl.

she is the kind of girl that like 3 minuet intros to songs.

she is the kind of girl that some days only wants loneliness.

she is the kind of girl who doesn't mind wearing the same shirt 2 times that week.

she is the kind of girl who tells herself that she is better than other people.

she is the kind of girl who thinks of herself first. 

she is the kind of girl who gets embarrassed easily.

she is the kind of girl who has to control everything in her life or she will hate it or them.

she is the kind of girl who expresses herself oddly.

she is the kind of girl who is tired of trying so hard to make. she fakes it till she makes it.

she is the kind of girl who thinks people are not worth it. 

she is the girl.

you choose which one is real.

Sarah Janelle.

being diverse isn't hard.

The consistent sound of gravel being stepped on was a familiar sound to one girl. 
And only one girl. she was the girl who walked.
Her footsteps left an invisible trail behind.
She was isolated compared to everyone else. 
She was different. 


silently as people passed her, they would beg to know her. 
to open her heart,to crawl inside of it, to feel it. 
she was eccentric. but yet in a non-eccentric way. 
she was the one who didn't care about other people and their thoughts. and that was unpredictable but in a predicable way.
She was a secret.

she may have had no friends. 
she didn't wear any make up. 
she didn't seek for attendtion.
she didn't need a boyfriend.
she didn't need other people to fill her up.
or color her in.


what made her SO different was her confidence.
her knew she was loved. 
She may have not been loved by others around her.
but she knew she was loved by GOD.
she didn't fear Him.
         she loved Him.
 

 the markings of a colorless girl..
Sarah Janelle.

the inner soul is an open window.

sometimes, i cry long and hard.
about something that shouldn't, but does hurt me.
sometimes, i cry even longer and harder
about something that doestn't ever hurt.
i just sometimes need to cry.

too many times i will fake laugh
about something that's funny to other people.
too many times i will laugh so hard till i cant breath
about something that isn't funny to other people,
but it's funny to me. and im not afraid to laugh,
because if i don'tlaugh,
then i will drown in my tears.

most of the time i will force a smile,
when i really feel like dying.
most of the time, i really do smile,
when im dead.

at times i will lock myself in a room,
to make sure i don't fall apart.
at times i will stay in the middle of the house,
to make sure other people are there to pick up my pieces.

sometimes i walk in the middle of the road,
to live on the edge, to think about what i would do before i died.
other times i walk on the sidewalk,
i walk on the safe side, to make sure i have time to say goodbye.

some days i lose it. and i bang on my piano,
hoping that i will calm down.
i never calm down.
some days, i have it all. and i bang on my piano
hoping that i will release my excitement.
i never release it all.

day by day, i tell myself, im ok. but sometimes... im really not.
week by week, i look it over and forget it.
month by month, i live this way in hopes that one day i will be stable.
year by year i do it again and again. and one day. i will not be able to stop.

and second by second im in training to be better.
minuet by minuet im coasting down the hill of life
hour by hour im climbing the stairs of success.
day by day im finding my inner soul.


The markings of a colorless girl.

Sarah Janelle.

The nonexistent paint brush moves across the canvas.

It starts with small seed. A walnut seed.

Day by day. Little change. But there is change.

The sprout grows and is green.

Our lives are compared to a canvas.

It starts out blank and pure.

Soon the canvas has noticeable colors.

Some of which are dark and other are light.

That canvas will change and will take a longtime to finish.

As our little plant grows it will soon realize that it is a tree.

A beautiful tree, full of life and love.

Around this tree, there are many colors.

Some of which are dark and other are light.

The colors explain and document the journey of this tree.

Our canvas is not just painted on by ourselves,

but by others. Friend come and go,

some leave smeared and stained on colors,

others are held on to, are valued and dear.

As if they were jewels.

As the tree makes it way up to the sky,

the journey is a long one.

Through the cold winters or the warm summers

the tree is left with the memories.

These memories leave love marks, or scars.

some of them are wounds and left disfigurement.

Either one is still left, for the tree to live in or forget

As we the trees stand tall in our canvas

we may look down.

But we must keep in mind

that we were once down on the ground

on our journey up.

Our lives will go on, and we may wither.

but remember the scars,

don't forget them.

They will guide you and show you how not to live.

But most of all. Remember the treasured times.

Always remember the love marks. The jewels.

They are the eternal guide for love.

They will lead you up.

High above the clouds.

Look down, but go up.

The markings of a colorless girl.




Sarah Janelle.

This is my 70th post. yeah. i know. not impressive.

whateves.


today is halloween.

party.

this is lame. i will write when im not dead.


Sarah Janelle.

imma liken my friends.


and im going to be happy for now on.


surprize!


Sarah Janelle.


That was lame. i will write better tomorrow. i have stuff to do. (homework)


peace out girl scout.


Your name is on everything you do...

acting like you have something to prove....

You alread have.

first of all. i like how im posting EVERY day, because i have no life. no biggie.

                                      once again. im copying a cooler person than me. so try to pretend that im as cool as i think and pretend to be.
                       PS. i have NEVER seen harry potter. ok. that was a lie. i have seen it. the first and second and third. please invite me over to your house so im not SO deprived.

Secrets.

ps. they are not in order.

1. i can't spell really. and it's obvious.

2. i don't know how to be truly happy at school, and normal. i don't really like to fake smile at teachers and people at school and act like im enjoying school life.

3. im a freak. im weird. im immature. and i can't stop myself sometimes. but the worst part is that im getting VERY tired of hiding it and acting "normal". which actually isn't normal at all. it's grumpy.

4. i cry. i cry a lot. more than i need to. i cry over school and stress. i cry over hurt feelings. {Which get broken and shattered too easily. and most of the time there won't be enough glue or tape to fix them.} i cry when i have nothing better to do. which means i cry every week. and maybe once a day.

5. i am not very self smart. i can't really memorize things that aren't important to me. i am really good at memorizing music and things that matter to me. like April 6, is Christ's birthday, and the day He was risen. And i can remember small details from happy moments for me.

7. i love soft lips. and i lather it on. every day.

8.i crack my neck, and fingers. but i love to pop my toes.

9. i copy people. im a imitation of many people in one. and i wear my socks high to my ankles and sometimes even higher. and i roll up my pants so everyone can see.

10. i can eat cold cereal every day with NO problem.

11. im a bit socially awkward around boys.

12. i haven't "liked" anyone sense the 6th grade.

13. i think school is a joke.

14. i like the feeling of grinding my teeth. I just like the sound that i hear when i do it. and i don't do it very much because it hurts my jaw.

15. im scared to go back to dance. i danced for almost 2 years. i do ballet. and most of the time i don't like to admit it. i think that ballerinas are dependant little girls. and i want to independent. and i am on pointe. but i have only done it for 2 years. some girls have been doing it their whole lives and aren't on pointe. does this mean im good, or am i a fake?

16. i am obsessed with spending money. i can't control it. if i have money, then i HAVE to buy something. whether i need it or want it or don't even like it. i have to buy it. i have a closets full of clothes. i hate most of them. i will wear them once and realize that i don't even like it.

17.i am bipolar i think. sometimes i will be WAY overly stresses about school or dumb things and others times i will be completely chill about my homework and tests. and one moment i will be in completely misery and the next it has passed over.

18. i like being sassy. it gives me power.

19. i don't like to talk to new people. so i wont. so then i become this social-out-cast, which i am.

20. i lie in seminary.

21. i would like to marry music.

22. i like to tease people. i find this weird joy from teasing my sisters and brothers. it makes me feel better and bigger than they are. once again. i feel like i have power.

23. i like to write. im working on many poems and most of them are really deep and i don't even know where it comes from.

24. i am a nerd. i like to watch documentaries and learn about different things. my dad and i watch the history channel together. and it's one thing i will always treasure.

25. i am obsessed with whistling.

26. i like winter attire very much.

27. i don't really like Christmas. it's a nice season. i like the season and the warm fires and the smell of trees and the feeling you get when it's Christmas. but i don't like the getting presents part. it's so dumb. i get all of this stuff i DO NOT need, and i don't even deserve it. i don't like it.

28. i don't mind being alone. i don't mind working alone, walking alone, or eating alone. as long as i don't tell my self that no one likes me or that im not cool enough for them. i do mind being alone if i start to look inside my soul and realize that im bad.

29. i love the color mustard. but i love the mustard taste the most.

30. i love to draw and paint and color and use chalk.

31. im scared to drive. my dad have asked me if i wanted to back out of the garage or if i wanted to get behind the wheel. i said no. i don't even know which pedal is the gas. im just too scared that i will run someone over or i will crash. i don't really plan on ever getting my licence.

32. i think that im going to die of cancer.

33. i like to think that i will marry a prophet someday, or a general authority. or music :]

34. i think. that my life is not real. i feel like im not really me sometimes, and that i pretend to be someone that im not so people will like me and i will feel excepted.

35. i like to tell my self that i don't care what people think of me. and the more i  tell myself that, the more i believe it.

Stay loved.

Sarah Janelle.

ode to the respected.

I admire all of you who have never said,,,,,



i hate my life.
{my oh so famous saying i say more than needed.}




Sarah Janelle.

my life is a monday morning.

some people dont think that im smart.


they know nothing.


i am smart, but an air head at times. and i think that is was makes myself laugh.


today will i was trying to be "lady like" in sacrament meeting, i was passed the sacrament, {something that has occurred my ENTIRE life, for 14 years, and i still struggle.} it is the water that is the hardest. yes. the bread is it's own challenge. you need to choose the biggest piece of bread, and sometimes the biggest bread has crust.. ag! this is such a trial in my life at times. but after concurring the bread part of this burden of choosing it was the water time.


i grabbed the water cup.... gently, lady like, pinkys up, i raised it to my mouth. i managed to get half of the water into my mouth, but of course... i had to embarrass myself. and i bite the cup {without realizing it} and i tried to take the cup out of my mouth but i was biting it! so it spilled ALL over me. typical. wow. much of the water landed on the hymn book on my lap.

to even make things better my little sister {emily} grabbed the book and flipped it the other way and set it back on my lap. yeah ok. now ALL the water was on me. thanks.

ok. this is normal.


Sarah Janelle.


ps. this one was way too long. sorrs.

pps. call me nelle. haha.

ppss. guess who bought a sweet new man sweater and some hot new pink cords. obvi. this girl.