how unfairly inconsiderate i have been. this isn't me. what am i doing here and how did i end up like this? what the. what the sarah. everything seems so dark and gloomy, and i tend to dwell on the fact that i don't receive the daily newspaper. you know what i'm saying here?
no? 

its been rough. and i have been rough. and my heart has dried up a little bit, maybe. and maybe even my lungs took over, maybe i just breathe, maybe hearts aren't real. and the ink in my skin will disappear? and so will the actual skin. maybe i will start to wear make-up again, and do my hair. you know? maybe i will clean the dirt out from under my nails, and wash the mud off of my feet. maybe i will stop gritting my teeth when i think. understand? 
no?

i have been in denial. to everything. i have denied my heart, my soul,  my little self. i have denied the fact that i need to open up, that i need to stop changing so much. that my old friends, still are actually my friends. i have denied myself of comfort and concern. i have denied friends and their worries for me. i have denied meeting new strangers, and animals. what have i not denied? ... the devil. probably. 

i don't really know where im walking, i can tell that i'm moving though. i really am. but which direction? left of up? straight or wide? sometimes i just think i am alice. from wonderland. and i wonder. around this land. and it gets me no where. and i meet new people, and souls. but i tend to think i know more than the state of Indiana. which i probably don't. and i can tell it's time to find my way, to the queen of hearts. and take back my heart. claim it again, perhaps even defeat my uncontrolled mind. and wake up. you know? 
no?

basically. (to state it in words of a 3 year old fox.) 
i need to do the dreadful. i need to grow up. and get over myself, and my silly little critical mind. and plant some trees. i need to stop telling myself off. i need to stop flipping myself off. i need to just stop. and enjoy my silly little life. because if i don't enjoy my life, then am i even living? 
no?

i am ready. and i am dry. 
and i promise. 
i will try.
and it's time.


i am aware of myself.
sarah janelle.